Gestalt Energy and Awareness
One of the most important things I gained from Gestalt class was the reminder of the significance of taking care of myself by remaining in the present moment. Since returning to college four years ago, I have been on the go, over-achieving, and never missing a class. When we were told to take care of ourselves in Gestalt, it seemed so foreign to me because I have never heard that from any previous teacher. Most teachers treated me like I was a postman—come to class rain, sleet or snow. When I felt sick half way through Gestalt class one Sunday, I said I needed to leave to care for myself. I left class with no hassle from the teacher. The resistance I felt was from my own mind. It did not seem right for me to leave class to take care of my needs. I felt jealous that other people in class had missed or left early with seemingly little concern. What was going on with me? Why this guilt and jealousy around taking care of my needs during school?
After reflecting over the last couple of weeks, I have realized a few things surrounding my guilty feelings associated with missing class. Much of my life, I was told by my dad that I should become a furniture salesmen just like him. He told me that going to college, doing art, and playing musical instruments would be a waste of time. When I decided to return to college a few years ago, my dad was the first to say that I would not be able to handle it at my age. Even at my graduation from the CIIS bachelor’s completion program, he stood on stage at Fort Mason, admitting that he was surprised that I finished my degree, but that he was proud that I did. While I appreciated the comment, it hurt me to know that he still had his doubts about me. In my attempt to prove him wrong, I have become an overachiever who is willing to be worn out rather than to nurture my own needs.
I believe Gestalt’s “be here now” approach has allowed me to find a place to meet my needs without feeling as guilty. I am handing in this paper on the cusp of Lu’s deadline because it’s what I needed to do to remain healthy. Yes, I have a little guilt but I know I feel much more rested than when I push myself too hard.
According to Baumgardner (1976), “Fritz states that being present now is a matter of bringing together our attention and awareness.” Being in the present moment is something I was taught while working at Zen Hospice with Ram Dass. I find that the idea of being here now is easily forgotten by getting caught up in past events or future fantasies. I need those small reminders to stay in the present moment, and I am thankful Gestalt class acted as that reminder.
The first night of learning about personal boundaries was something I was not total unprepared for. I have worked one-on-one with many people in Theravadan-based workshops but had never been told to smell or lick someone. It was strange to see how each person had a set of boundaries, and how those interacted with my own set of boundaries. Some people would smell you from afar, others up close, some would ask permission, some would cross borders with little warning. I found myself using my Vipassana meditation to help bring awareness to how my energy was interacting with other people’s energy. Most times, I found that there was little I could do to control how energies bonded or retracted. Baumgardner (1975) writes, “Now, if we come back to physics and try to understand a bit about this dynamic in general, there are several things we can learn. One is that one form of energy can easily be transformed into another form of energy: the movement of a river into electricity, electricity into heat or light, etc. Chemistry shows infinite varieties of transformations of one kind of structure into something else.” I feel that people have their energy transformed by a lifetime of experiences, mostly from contact with other people’s energy. Each time two energies meet a gestalt reaction occurs. The last Sunday we met, while Lu was out getting bagels, I talked about a realization I had from the day before. The previous day, we laughed about my t-shirt that read “Mushrooms 100% Natural”. There was an energy that was created around my mushroom shirt.
On the way home, I remembered a time in 1979 (I was fifteen) when I went to a reggae concert starring Big Youth. I grabbed a large bag containing many small bags of magic mushrooms from my mom’s boyfriend. Each one of my friends decided to do an eighth of mushrooms but I had to one up them by doing a quarter ounce. We all tripped in the show, having a great time, and after the show, on the beach. Eventually all my friends came down off the mushrooms but I was still flying high. One by one they left me on the beach until I was alone. Once I was alone in the late night hours, I began to panic with anxiety. I got my beach cruiser and walked to the nearest pay phone to call my mom. When my mom answered, I told her I was flying high on mushrooms, scared, and freaking out. She told me to mellow out and ride my bike home. I told her that I was by the wharf and that there was no way I could make it home this high. She explained to me that I needed to go to my grandparents’ house who were close by and wake them for help. I hung up the phone and thought about my options, which mellowed me out, and I rode home. When I got home my mom comforted me, saying that she knew if she told me to go to my grandparents’ house, I would sober up enough to ride my bike home. Since becoming sober I thought that my mother did not raise me the way she should have. But from my experiences with gestalt energy over the weekends and the energy my mushroom shirt created in class, I was able to see that my mother deeply cared for me. When I need to find my way home, she knew just what to do to get me back home safely.
After I told that story in class, I realized that some of the younger students had no concept of what it meant to be the child of hippy parents in the 60s or 70s. Later on Sunday, I realized that by telling that story, I had crossed one person’s boundary causing them to have a negative reaction toward me. They seemed so flustered when confronting me about my story. I was told not tell such stories in class if I wanted to be known as a good therapist. I was speechless and said nothing in return. It made me sad to think that this person was having a bad reaction to my happy insight. I see it now as just energies meeting and boundaries being crossed. By confronting me about how my story affected her energy, I am allowed to either refrain from such personal stories or to continue to share my life experiences, letting each person deal with it in his or her own way.
I love that Gestalt is about meeting people on an equal playing field. Doing the top dog and underdog role-play work was very enlightening. I found that I hated both top dog and underdog roles. Because of the top-dog therapist role, I have a hard time being interested or agreeing with self-psychology psychoanalysis. In psychoanalysis, there is definitely a top-dog therapist and an underdog patient; the top-dog therapist is there to help the patient. I think that is why I am a firm believer in being of service to people instead of “helping” them. When I am of service to a person, we are equal. When I am helping a person, I put myself in a position of advantage since this person is seeking an answer to his/her problems through me. I learned this difference between being of help and of service from either Stephen and Noah Levine or Ram Dass about ten years ago.
During Gestalt class I never felt like I was an underdog. There have only been two classes at CIIS so far, Gestalt and T-group, which I have felt I was on a level playing field with my teachers. I found a place in Gestalt class to feel comfortably equal, and I related this experience to Paulo Freire’s book Pedagogy of Freedom. I feel that Gestalt therapy allows a client’s energy the freedom to move this way or that. The level playing field provided me a place to feel safe, therefore I was able to shift my energy in ways previously not experienced in traditional psychoanalysis formats.
Conclusion
In Gestalt I have discovered a style of psychology that I feel I would love to learn more about. I believe I have only been exposed to the tip of iceberg of Fritz Perls’ approach to therapy. What I have learned fits in with my spiritual Theravadan meditation practice of staying in the present moment awareness. It also fits in with my belief of being of service to people—meeting them on a level playing field. I was thankful for both teachers ability to share their personal stories within the class setting. I found that it allowed a safe environment for me to feel that I could share my own personal stories. I found it deeply insightful to bring awareness to my own energy, and then redirect it outward to another person’s energy. Bringing my awareness to the gestalt of two people’s energy forming a reflective experience is a skill I would love to deepen further. I feel that Gestalt therapy allows for the natural unfolding of things, and fits in with my emphasis in ecopsychology.